Creativity and Wellness

Getting back on track. Yes, it’s a process, not an event.  It is easy for me to get distracted with my creative pursuits. although I consider therapy and coaching art as well as science,  I do have other pursuits that are not related to my work at all. I hope that you do also. Something that you do that you are passionate about; something you already do or want to learn how to do.

I’m pretty far out of the loop, but I remember a time when nursing homes, substance abuse rehabs and other institutions had recreational therapists.  These activities kept residents busy, hopefully stimulated and could give them a sense of accomplishment. In the rehabs, addicts relearned or learned for the first time, how to use leisure time.

Many of us might laugh at the idea of leisure time. There is always something that needs to be done, somewhere to be, something to accomplish.  This is true to some degree. I wonder what happens when we allow ourselves some time everyday to be creative. Or maybe, just change how we look at some of our activities, seeing the creativity in them.  Taking pride the in the accomplishment, instead of just checking it off the to-do list.

So, what are you passionate about, or what would you like to be passionate about? Cooking? Reading? Writing? Pottery, woodworking or fiber art? Decorating or restoring? Try something new, and stimulate your brain. Refresh your skill doing something you haven’t done in a while. Continue doing what you have been doing all along and do it more often, and notice how much more energy you have, how much more patience, how much more enthusiasm you have for the more mundane tasks when you add some creative time into the schedule.

Experiment day two: Clearing for healing

I love what I do. I am absolutely passionate about my career choice. The focus is ever evolving, I am still in the helping/healing field, but I am not doing it the same way I was over 20 years ago.  I am fortunate also that I get so many gifts, spiritual gifts from my clients/patients.  They teach me a lot. In the beginning of my career, when I had little experience, my clients taught me how to help them.

When we get out of our own way, we are often the expert about ourselves. That’s not to say that we don’t need guidance, education and support, but we often know what needs to be fixed.  The support helps us recognize our strengths, so we have resources to fix what needs to be fixed, to become whole again, to live as a whole person, to live a whole and authenic life.

I decided that clearing my desk would be a good start to reducing the distractions so that I could focus on the blogging experiment. At least now I have a space to work, and that tipping over pile of mixed papers is now clearly into manageable piles. I know what is in each pile, and what needs to happen next with it. The junk mail is in the recycling basket.

Among the interesting items I found in the pile was this quote from a client: “So much of therapy is bringing a boat to those who are adrift.”  What a wise person, a wise young person. I can say that now that I am over 50. Who gives who the gifts?

Journaling for healing and the experiment

Ok so here’s the experiment. Blog for at least 15 minutes daily. After 21 days, I hope that the habit will be ingrained. Oh, you thought this was a challenge for you?  I believe that you could get a healing benefit from doing it, so much so, that I am taking the challenge myself.

What brought this on? Well, partly looking at the last update (hanging my head).  Partly was a very invigorating conversation with fellow weavers and spinners last night about blogging. One of the women asked how long I spend blogging every day. I started to laugh, then realized what a great question that was. I could continue to hang my head, or turn it around into a postive challenge. Hmmm, just the kind of thing I might suggest to you, in my professional capacity.

Journaling has been recommended as a healing tool for a long time. Sometimes, new journalers are intimidated and overwhelmed. They compare themselves, wondering if they are doing it “right”. I’m not sure that there is one right way to journal; the right way is the way that works for you.

Journaling can be words carefully penned in a beautifully bound blank book.  Journaling can be pictures, drawn, sketched or cut out from magazines, or favorite, meaninful photos or memorabilia. Or any combination of the above, or any of many creative mediums that you can imagine. Or blogging.

I remember a quote by Carol Christ, that our stories validate who we are. How powerful! It matters less if your story matters to others than if it matters to you.  Our stories include our private and public faces; personal and professional. Not all the details are appropriate in every venue, that’s about boundaries. The most important thing is that you tell you story, or you share your knowledge.

Take the challenge. Enjoy the process of healing. Journal well!

I couldn’t say it any better myself!

I am using this article with permission. I often tell clients that they teach people how to treat them.  I explain that by accepting someone else’s inappropriate behaviors, we reinforce that behavior.  Sometimes we don’t like to hear it, but knowing it can empower us to
grow, to effect change in relationships, and generally feel more at peace.

You Teach People How to Treat You
March 2nd, 2007 by Christine Kane
I was in Web Guy’s office a few weeks ago. He was having a moment of overwhelm about his client list. He talked about how some of his clients call on the weekends and late at night, and how many people don’t honor his schedule. He was frustrated and exhausted.

I allow people their moments of frustration in situations like this. So I listened. But seeing as how I also like to offer a more empowered perspective, I told him about a great thing I learned many years ago. It’s a fundamental truth that has served me (and those with whom I work and play) immensely. It is this:

You teach people how to treat you.

As soon as I said this, his eyes lit up. He couldn’t believe how simple it was. And the more we talked, the more excited he got. (I refrained from calling him “grasshopper.”)

The first time I ever heard this concept was when I saw Oprah in Raleigh, NC years ago. She presented this idea. Then she partnered it with another truth. She said (in that “Sistah!” way that she does when she’s being funny) “…and giiiiirl, when someone shows you who they are… bee-LEEVE them the FIRST TIME!” (She repeated this one a lot. She was talking about abusive relationships.)

So, what does it mean?

You teach people how to treat you means that it all comes back to you. It’s up to you to allow or not allow certain treatment. It also means that you have to first get clear about how you want to be treated. It means that you have to take responsibility enough to write your own owner’s manual. And you are accountable for living by your owner’s manual. For some of us, it may be the very first time we ever even gave this any thought.

(Remember that accountability and responsibility have nothing to do with blame. They are an entirely different energy and intent than blame. Blame seeks to shame and belittle. Responsibility seeks to un-victim you.)

There are lots of levels to this. For instance, when I began working with this idea, I spent time writing down basic guidelines, like, “I do not allow people to yell at me. I do not allow verbal abuse.” These days, I don’t need these kinds of guidelines because I’ve simply absorbed my own owner’s manual, and I don’t have to think about it. I’m very clear about who I am in almost every situation in my life. That has come from practicing this stuff and messing up a few times too! (And to add a little Law of Attraction note to the end of it — now, I no longer even attract some of these issues that used to be everywhere in my world!)

Bottom line: You teach people how to treat you means that you’re clear. And that you honor that clarity.

Teach People How to Treat You: The Four Steps

1 – Start by Knowing What You Want (and What You Don’t Want)

This a great writing exercise. Write what you want. Pick an area of your life where you feel like you’re not being treated well. Write down how you’d like to be treated. If you can’t think of what you want, then write about what you don’t want.

I typically don’t recommend focusing on what you don’t want. However, sometimes what you don’t want is a great starting point to clarity. For instance, when I first began to apply this work to my performance dates, I knew that I no longer wanted to stay in rooms or hotels that scared me. (You’d be amazed at how often promoters put musicians in the worst dives imaginable. I was teaching promoters how to treat me.) Several times, I had to ask the promoter of a show to move my hotel. Eventually, I made my contract rider very clear about what I wanted in a hotel room.

Depending on your situation, you’ll have some obvious beginning points. If you’ve been in abusive relationships, then start with “I do not allow people to abuse me.” If you’re tired of people wasting your time by calling you up to relate the latest office drama, you might write, “I don’t allow people to gossip in my presence.” For some of my readers, these ideas will be no-brainers. But you might be surprised at how many of us allow these kinds of interactions to occur in our lives.

If you’re like Web Guy and you’re learning to teach clients how to treat you, then start by writing a “Client Guide.” Write down exactly how you want your clients to deal with you. Then write some Company Guidelines to give to new clients before they pay you anything. Get clear at the start. As I wrote in Business Advice for Artists and Sensitive People, so many of us just hire people or take clients without any clarity. We just hope that the “connection” stays in tact.

2 – Learn from your Current Situation

Ask yourself how you’ve allowed certain behavior from others in your life. Take one situation where you’re tempted to see yourself as a victim, or where you feel mistreated. Ask yourself how you allowed this to happen. You’ll be amazed at how often you may have ignored your own needs or desires.

Often, this process lets you know where you get triggered or hooked. For instance, you might find yourself saying, “Well, he makes me feel guilty if I don’t do it his way!” Bingo. There’s your trigger. The guilt. Acknowledge that you still allowed it. Maybe you allowed it begrudgingly, but you allowed it so that you could avoid feeling guilty. Then, recognize that guilt is going to be something that makes you want to ignore your own owner’s manual. This is a valuable thing to know about yourself.

In my hotel room example, I recognized that I had allowed years of unacceptable treatment on the road because I had such a fear of making waves. In one scenario, when I told the promoter I wanted my hotel changed, she retorted, “Everyone stays there! No one has ever complained before!” And I could feel myself shrinking. “But all the kids are doing it!” has been a trigger for me. (So has, “You’re lucky to even have a gig!”) But because I had gotten clear that “I don’t stay in hotels that scare me,” I was able to honor my needs in that situation.

3 – Honor It and Practice It

Here’s the deal: This is a process, not an event.

There’s a learning curve to this. It’s not a one-time thing. It’s not just suddenly telling a client not to call after hours. When you’ve taught people how to treat you one way, it might take some time to change that pattern.

It might start with you letting a client know that you’ve set a new intent to spend more time with your children, and that you won’t be available for calls on the weekend. Maybe the client calls anyway. Maybe you get hooked in by the guilt. Then you feel awful afterwards, and you feel angry at that client. This just means that you need to get clear again. So, you let that client know again not to call on weekends, and that you’d like her to honor your request. You don’t have to get emotional about it. In fact, the less you get sucked in by your emotions, the better this works.

Note: Try not to communicate when you’re in a highly charged emotional state. When you’re in this state, you’re probably not teaching people how to treat you. You’re probably blaming them and making yourself into the victim. Wait until you get calm, then start at step #2 (”How did I allow this?”) and take the necessary course of action to right the situation.

Remember that this stuff takes practice and self-awareness. It is not a process of emotion. It’s a process of clarity. (And mastery!)

4 – Teach Yourself How to Treat You When That’s the Only Choice

Not everyone is going to honor your requests or your clarity. And sometimes it’s going to have to be you who treats you well. If we go back to my hotel room example, there have been times where contractually, I didn’t have much of an option in terms of getting a better hotel room. And so, I ended up paying for my own room and driving myself to a better hotel. “I don’t stay in hotel rooms that scare me” means that I don’t allow it. Period. If I don’t honor that, then I won’t feel safe with me. It has always made me happy and proud to get my own room when I needed to. You have to include yourself in this equation. If you’ve told your clients that you don’t take non-emergency calls on weekends, then you might not want to make business calls on weekends. This is how you learn to honor yourself.

And Now, for the Scary Part…

I wrote a post about taking risks a few weeks ago. Lots of times we think of taking risks, and we think about big ideas like moving to another city, starting a business, or leaving a bad relationship. But the longer I do this work, the more my risk-taking has become internal. Yes, there are big external material risks at times. (Every time I make a CD I’m taking a risk!) But these days, some of the internal risks are the scariest, because they call me to be true to myself and to honor my boundaries and my intentions. That’s where lots of us forget to stay in risk-taking mode.

The biggest risk involved in teaching people how to treat you is the risk that some of them might go away. Some friends might not call you anymore. Some clients might leave. In my situation, I might simply not get the performance date. You have to be willing to surrender those things that aren’t in alignment with how you want to be treated. They necessarily must go away. And the test is to let them.

One of the things that keeps you hanging on to them is a belief in lack. A belief that there’s not enough. There aren’t enough jobs, clients, gigs, men, women, whatever. And one of the best ways to find out that there are more than enough of these things is to be brave and selective, live by your values and standards, and watch what you do attract. You might be scared. But you won’t be disappointed.

Mindfulness and Multi-tasking

I wonder if you can use mindfulness and multi-tasking in the same sentance, or at the same time.

I thought I was a brilliant multi-tasker when I was listening to audiobooks while surfing on the web; maybe at first, but then I realized I had to keep backing up the audiobook to get the parts I missed.  I found myself daydreaming or planning my next blog post or shopping list while doing other mundane tasks, like taking care of the rabbits.

Then, the other day, with an armload of empty rabbit water bottles, I missed a step down from the bunny porch, and hit the floor hard, twisting and spraining my foot in the process. What was I thinking about? Couldn’t tell you now, but it must have been important at the time.   What I wasn’t doing was paying attention to what I was doing in the moment, not noticing where my feet were.  I certainly wasn’t being spiritual, taking joy in the everyday tasks, or even being present for what I was doing.  Lesson learned, I commit to being present where I am in the moment, and to be grateful for even the most mundane of tasks.

When I was in graduate school, one of the men in my class was, still is, a Tibetian monk. Just listening to him speak, or sitting near him was a calming experiencel. I remember him sharing that even for a monk, remembering to be mindful, slow and careful is challenging in New York City. So easy to get caught up in the moment and movement, and to forget what is important. Isn’t that espeically so with the so called mundane or daily tasks? Hurry up and get it done so that I can….can whatever else I really want to do.

I heard a story on NPR about teens who are multitasking with computer, email, texting and maybe phone at the same time. All those opportunities are there, but can you really do them all at the same time? Exactly at the same time?

So today’s suggestion is to be present in the moment, to focus on what you are doing and clear the other things from your mind.  Finishing what you are doing is the goal before you start something else. And maybe redefine finishing. When I am sitting down to write and article, or weave at my loom, finishing may mean focusing on what I am doing for whatever the allotted time is. I may not finish that 15 foot rag rug runner before I get up from the loom, but I will have enjoyed the hour or so that I have sat at the loom, coming away feeling inspired and refreshed.

To your mental wellness!